my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
