I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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