He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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