I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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