Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
