these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
