I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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