At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize