So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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