I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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