guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
