Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
