i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
