Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
