I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Randomize
