If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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