I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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