You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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