i jhust puked up my retainher.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
