Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
