I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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