i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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