3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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