how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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