There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
