rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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