She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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