good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
