You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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