he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I stole a fireplace last night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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