Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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