I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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