Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize