party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize