i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
