Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
