I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
