I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
