She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
