it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
