The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
