Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
