First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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