What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
