I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
