Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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