I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
