I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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