She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
