fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
