new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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