Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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