He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
