Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why is your signature on my underwear?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
