Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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