I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
