i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
